I have thought about writing you long time ago to seek advice online but I think I do not have enough strength then. Or it might be because I do not know what exact words to say. But now, I think I really need to release what I am feeling inside.
I am married now and I only have one kid. All is well between me and my family until one day; I accidentally met Mr. Shy Boy again after 20 years of not seeing and hearing from each other. He has been my classmate in college and my very first love. We immediately exchanged contact numbers. Sometimes, we would call and text each other and I think that there is nothing wrong with it.
But to be honest with you, since it started, I felt like I have entered into a warb that brought me back to our college days. I felt like my feelings for him came back especially when he called me one day to let me know that I am still special to him. He wants us to meet so we can talk about what happened then and why the relationship failed.
My problem is that I do not know if I should meet up with him. My longing to meet him again is becoming much more intense as days go by because I also want to have closure. This bothers me so much and sometimes, I come to a point where I would see myself crying over his memories and over our old romance. Do you think it’s okay if we would keep in touch with each other for old time’s sake? Are we not becoming unfair with anybody? Please, I need you advice on this matter. Hope to hear from you soon. - Dilemma
Advice:
It is undeniable that First Love will always be something special to every person. The sad fact is that, most of the time, it was a failure. One of the reasons why it fails is that both people involved are still too young then and immature. Of course it leaves memories that one would always ponder upon even when he has already matured and has found another person to love.
Seeing each other again after 20 years can definitely rekindle the affection that you once had for each other. No one and nothing can change the fact that he was your first love and that makes him so unforgettable and special. But then, another thing that we could not change here is the fact that both of you had your chance before and there is no way that you can bring back the hands of time.
What’s important now is that both of you are already married. You are a married woman. On the other hand, he is a married man. Both of you now have your own families to take care of and protect. It will do you both good if you bear these things in mind. There is nothing wrong if you would still contact each but only if it’s for the sake of friendship and other than that, nothing else.
Now, if you think that there are other reasons why the two of you would want to keep in touch with each other aside from friendship, I would suggest that you keep yourself from it as there is a risk that both of you would only become a temptation to each other. If you could have the resolve, avoid him for the meantime until the time comes where in you could both be sure that it’s all platonic. It will best to avoid meeting up with him while you are still emotional.
It maybe painful to say this but past is past. We cannot change that. We cannot bring that back no matter how we long to. There are just some things in life that you would need to let go to allow the harmonious existence of the most important people around you; your very own family. It would not matter anymore if both of you still have feelings for each other. The circumstances that allowed these feelings in the past are now in need of an ending in order to give yourself the chance to move on.
Now, after realizing one day that you can already handle his presence and if there are really important reasons why you and he should meet; then, go on. You could even set a time to have a cup of coffee together and talk about what could have been and what you've had for each other before without taking your mind off from the fact that you can no longer pamper that special feeling for each other. The only reason why you would be doing that is for both of you to attain freedom and peace among your inner selves. But never ever attempt to do this when you know that you do not have the resolve to control your emotions.
Being married requires sacrifice and even self-denial so as not to disrupt the lives of the people that you love now and who love you, too. Again, I will say, one of your duties as a married woman is to protect your family and try not to do anything that would risk that harmony you're having together. The best thing that you can feel right now for your first love is to be happy for him and for his family. That is also what he should feel for you.
Whether first never dies or whether it does, always remember that having your own family now means that you have already chosen to move on a long time ago and let go of your first love. I am advising you to focus on how things are today rather than what they are in the past.
Hi! I found your website and I told myself I would give writing in a shot. I need your advice on something. Okay, here it goes...
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. We moved in together in May of this year and everything was great; but now, I am beginning to have second thoughts about our relationship. I like being with him, but I think I hate living with him! He is really messy and I would always have to ask him to clean his mess. He never cleans his own mess and I am the only one who washes the dishes, mops the floor, does the vacuum cleaning, dusts the furniture and everything.
I don't have a job so I stay home all day while he works full time so I know he gets tired after work and I understand that; but I also believe that it should not be an excuse to why I should be the only one doing all the house works. I think it fair that he helps, too, even by just picking up his own things.
I already knew that he was messy even before we moved in together and we had a talk about it. I said I didn't want to end up getting mad at him for making messes and he reassured me that he wouldn't be messy when we move in together. Now, whenever I complain about the mess and ask him to deal with it, he becomes very defensive and he easily gets mad at me.
He would always want me to point out the things that he left out so he can take care of them instead of hearing me complain. Well, I don't think I have to specify everything! I do not like to clean up every mess he makes and I do not like to live in a messy apartment so I always end up doing everything! He is the type of person who doesn’t care if a house is clean or not but the fact is I do care.
Another thing is that I no longer feel any physical attraction for him. I think he's a great guy and I love him a lot but I am no longer in the mood to go physical with him. Believe it or not, we haven’t been intimate in months. The main reason is that I am having health issues. The next reason is because I do not like to. I am not even missing it.
Sometimes I look at him and I tell myself that maybe, we should just be friends. I like spending time with him but at the same time, I feel overwhelmed with the situation. I can't figure out why I feel this way and whenever I try to talk to him about it, he just brushes it off. I do not know if it is because he is so afraid about breaking up and he doesn't want to deal with it at all.
If we are not living together, it would be a lot easier. I would just probably suggest a breakup, a cool-off or something else, but we are living in a one bedroom apartment together and our lease is going to expire next May. I feel like I have no other options but to stay with him.
Another problem is that if I break up with him, I've nowhere else to go. There won't be a place for me to stay. I am really confused about things. I don't know how to make our relationship better. I don't know how to talk to him about how I feel without hurting his feelings. I had tried several times to bring up the issue before him but it never comes out right. Any advice on the matter? Thanks - Molly
Advice:
Before anything else, I would like to let you know that I feel sorry because you are experiencing these things. Anyone who comes into a relationship definitely hopes that things will work out well. Anyway, here is my piece of advice:
Living together is different from the typical boyfriend-girlfriend thing. It would surely require the attitude of being more responsible, understanding and considerate. It’s because we would only know what a person truly is after spending some time with him under the same roof. Your relationship now with your partner is undergoing a period of adjustment. In this period, both of you will start seeing things that might really shatter your worlds.
One of the reasons why you are so disappointed and frustrated about the situation is because things are not coming out based on your expectations. When we say we love a person, part of it is also accepting him for what he is. That also includes his weaknesses. True, you have talked about this matter before you moved in but sometimes, that wouldn’t be enough to settle the whole matter itself.
When you got him then to agree that he won’t be messy anymore once he started living with you, it was a sign that he wants to try. But we have to admit. Changing a personality especially if he is already like that since he was young is not going to be easy. Although we would not say it is impossible. Being his partner, you could help him change this attitude gradually. Little by little. Changing is not an overnight matter; but before that, you would have to learn first how to deal with your partner properly.
First, bear in mind that no partner is perfect. Not even you. You may have complaints about him but what about his good sides? Can you still see him doing things that you would appreciate or totally nothing at all? I hope that this won’t hurt your feelings but he may also have some complaints about you. It’s just that he is not voicing them out because he is the type who doesn’t care much about the things that he may find petty.
Second, when you have to deal with him, how do you talk? Raising up voices and/or nagging aren’t effective ways to communicate with a man. He would not have the interest to listen if he feels like he will just be nagged off. You can help him understand and see your points of view clearer if you will try to change your style of approach. Remember, the best way to communicate with a man is to make him feel comfortable with how you break things out.
Think about the past years of your relationship. How do you communicate with him before when you were still in the courting period? Maybe you should try to break it more gently next time. When you think you are ready to talk to him again about the matter with out sounding like you were nagging, try to talk to him again and explain your side. It’s always good to communicate when both of you are more relaxed.
Third, I think the reason why you are not physically attracted with him anymore is the fact that whenever you see him, what highlights is your feeling of annoyance; and that is what you see on his face. His so called wrongdoings have started to create a much bigger impact on you than your attraction with him. Who would like to be intimate with a person you're annoyed with? You maybe annoyed not because he is messy but maybe it’s because you think he is rather insensitive and not being able to read you well.
You would not really enjoy intimacy with him not unless you would be able to again dig up that attraction that you used to feel for him before you lived together. You are starting to lose romance because he does the things that would turn you off. Things are already becoming boring and you were beginning to think that the best thing to do is to move out.
Come to think of it. If what you really want to do is break up with him, you can do it anytime after you planned things well. Anyway, you are not married and you do not have kids. If that is the case, my advice would be different. But before you do it, try to imagine how things would change if ever you will move out.
You said you have nowhere to go. This is one thing you should consider very carefully. You are somewhat lucky that there is someone who is willing to shoulder all the expenses without requiring you to give your share. Of course it is annoying that he is messy and you are not. It is really difficult to live with a person who has different values and views in life but anyway, he is the man you love and the man who loves you.
He isn’t requiring you anyway to clean up his mess. Meaning, he has no intention of making you act like a slave who would do everything for him. He is just really messy. Give him enough time to change. For sure it will take time.
Another thing, if ever you will break up with him, don’t you think you might be losing a man who could love you for what you are and who you are? Maybe you are missing out his good characteristics because you focus more on how you want him to be and not on what he wants to be. While you see his bad side and tell him with out hesitation that he is doing something wrong, I hope that you would also consider appreciating him for the things that he’s been doing right. Maybe this should balance everything.
Dear Friends, I am currently taking up Business Administration in a reputable university here in Manila, Philippines. I am now in the second year. I wrote because I am troubled about my situation and I need your advice.
Let’s just call this girl Kira. She's my best friend since we are in first year college. She is my favorite classmate. We were then in a happy, block section. After the first semester of our first year in college, we became classmates in 3 units. Now that we are in the second year, we are classmates in just 2 units. In spite of the fact that years have now passed, we remained the best of friends.
As best friends, we would spend break times together. Sometimes, I would take her to the terminal after school time so she can ride a bus back home. We text each other regularly, chat on YM, share our problems and do other stuffs that normal friends do.
But one thing that I cannot tell her is the fact that I am already in love with her since we are in first year. Until now, I am still afraid to tell her about it. I don’t know why. I maybe a coward but it may be because I am just afraid that telling her the truth might drive her away. I do not like her to think that I took advantage of our friendship. But I love her anyway and can’t sleep properly at night because she would always be in my mind.
Guys, what should I do? I hope that you can help me in my situation. Please give me an advice. Thank you very much. - Edgar
Advice:
In any way, you have to tell your feelings to your best friend. You have no control over whom your heart chooses to love. If it chooses your best friend, then you cannot go around pretending like it’s never there.
I agree with you, there is a possibility that your relationship with your best friend might sour because of your confession. But you only have two choices as of now - either you spend the rest of your life loving your best friend secretly and pound your chest when you see her with another man, or go and tell her about your feelings even if there are possible risks.
I would say it's best to choose the second option. That way you wouldn’t have any regrets later in life. At least you have tried to express your feelings with her and you wouldn't have to blame yourself one of these days while murmuring, "Why didn't I give myself the chance to show her how much I care and how much she means to me?"
Who knows, she might just be waiting for you to say the words “I love you” and you wouldn't know because you did not even try. Because she considers you as her friend, maybe she would understand you, even if she wouldn't love you back like the way you love her.
The best thing you can do right now is gather your resolve and tell her how you really feel for her. If you cannot do it in person, there are other means that you can make use of. You can write her a love note and so on. For me, taking this risk is worth it if you really love a person instead of torturing yourself day after day. Just give her the assurance that it is not your intention to take advantage of your friendship but things just happened and you didn't expect that it will turn out like this.
